"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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