Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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