My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
