How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
