i was born a porn star she said
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
