You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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