I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
