i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize