every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
