Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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