I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
