I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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