I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
