she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
