Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Barsexuality is the new black.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
