Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
