Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
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