Apparently you make a good broom.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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