Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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