I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
