I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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