I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Lo siento on account of my penis...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
