You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
