she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
