Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My liver just had a heart attack.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I have already put on my inside pants.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
