You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
