wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
