I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
