Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
