Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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