the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
