Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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