Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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