How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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