Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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