Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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