i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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