Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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