I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize