I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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