my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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