this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
