The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
