Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
