i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
