I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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