a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
They have beer where we have blood.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
