i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
