I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
