Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
barbara walters just said penis...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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