After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
