I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I smell like Dick and happiness
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
