So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
