i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
