I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
