can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize