Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
