so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
