i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
